Jun 01, 2012
“In the peaceful Five Towns of Long Island
There’s a man with a six-gun in his hand
He comes asking for a dime
But, he’ll rob you every time
So, close you door to his outstretched hand”
The Ballad of “Schnorrer The Kid”
© 2011 The Legendary Danny O’Doul
By now, even the most clueless Five Towner has heard with much alarm
of the presence among us of a villain so sinister and diabolical that he
nefariously preys upon our communal charitable spirit, by turning the tables
on the otherwise respectable profession of begging and schnorring. I’m talking about the recent reports of “home invasions” by an outwardly-Orthodox charity solicitor.
With this rougish introduction of a handguns into this heretofore non-violent industry, this vile predator has caused our residents much apprehension and fear, and, by his animalistic behavior, has unfairly hit a profession which is still reeling from the throes of the Great Recession.
No longer will generous Five Towners open their doors to those asking for a handout,
alms for the poor, or collections for various charities here and abroad. This monster has,
with impunity and self-interest, altered the course of nature and commerce. And, just like old
Twisted Sister serenaded us back in the 1980’s – “We’re not going to take it…anymore!”
So, leave it to me, The Legendary Danny O’Doul, to do something about it. Today, going deep undercover, I dressed in my most “Orthodox” garb, borrowed two burlap money bags from a local bank while on my free coffee run, and then went home and filled them with all the pennies in my coin collection so that the pair of sacks weighed a combined 30 lbs. and jangled like The Byrds on “Mr. Tambourine Man!” I then walked in my black suit, white shirt — buttoned up to the top – and old black hat, carrying a money bag in each hand. I traversed the back roads of Lawrence, Woodsburgh, and Hewlett Bay Park, with no luck, I then proceeded to cover the rest of The Five Towns by foot. When I finally reached Saddle Ridge, I hit pay dirt!
Walking down Fordham Lane, I sensed someone following me. I continued walking along until I heard a voice from the shadows behind me. “Hey, Rabbi — turn around slowly and drop those bags!” I carefully spun around and dropped the bags in one smooth movement, just as I had planned. When I pivoted, I saw that I was face to face with our nemesis — The Schnorrer Bandit! It was almost like looking into a mirror, as we were dressed identically and, we even, both had beards. The criminal approached me to grab the coin-filled money bags, but as he got near, I let the sherukan (a five-point Chinese martial arts star-like weapon) drop from under my shirt cuff, into my palm, and, in one swift movement expertly threw it into his forearm. The bandit let out a scream like a wounded beast, dropped the money bags and started to run. I was ready for this. From my other shirt cuff, I released my other sherukan and fired this one into the back of his right thigh, bringing him to an abrupt halt and crumpling him into a sobbing, bleeding heap on a beautifully manicured lush green front yard.
Now, that I had this miscreant – ‘Numero Uno’ of the 10 Most Wanted Men in The Five Towns — subdued and immobile, I casually picked up his handgun and pistol whipped his chin. The Bandit whimpered, but he was still very conscious, so I decided to learn what made this vile, atavistic creep tick. I pointed the gun at him and assumed a relaxed pose and began with my interrogation.
The following are some excerpts of my questioning and The Bandit’s freely-given answers:
O’Doul: “So, you lousy, stinking degenerate, what made you take an honorable endeavor
such as begging and turn into a debased and unnatural armed pursuit?”
Bandit: “You don’t understand, you just don’t know how tough it is to be a professional beggar. Everyone looks down at you, calls you a “schnorrer,” gives you every excuse in the book why they can’t give and, on the off chance that you snag a live one, they may give you a sawbuck or, maybe, if you are lucky — a double-sawbuck – and, that’s it, no piece of cake, no coffee, not even a glass of water! And, this was before The Great Recession hit. Before I started thinking innovatively, I was bringing home maybe $50 or $75 a day, tops. Since I started packing heat, and not taking “no” for an answer, my receipts have gone up tenfold! Tell me, wouldn’t you have done the same thing?”
O’Doul: Not in a million years! Bandit, you are scum and, an affront to all the honest beggars in the industry. You make me sick.
(At this point I dialed my cellphone and called the Fourth Precinct. I had trouble reading the touch screen in the sun, so I held in closer to my face. After connecting with the Police station, I looked down and realized that The Schnorrer Bandit was sprinting to Peninsula Boulevard where he jumped in a waiting white minivan and the getaway driver sped off with the Bandit securely seated next to him. Despite my efforts to read the plate number,
I only caught a partial, and provided it to the Fourth Precinct. They are now running all kinds of checks, utilizing the huge FBI database, but they suspect that the van was stolen).
My efforts, though well-intentioned, were in the end, not entirely productive – though I did succeed in confiscating The Schnorrer Bandit’s gun and inflicted upon some serious wounds upon him, which may now result in his inability to fully use one of his arms, and to walk with a pronounced limp.
So, be on the lookout for The Schnorrer Bandit and proceed with extreme caution, as he is presumed to be armed and dangerous. Do not attempt to subdue him, but rather contact
the authorities immediately. They are trained to deal with this particular brand of
gun-toting gonif and they will not rest until this scoundrel is behind bars – where the only “schnorring” he’ll do is for his ‘one’ phone call!
This is The Legendary Danny O’Doul asking everyone to be vigilant, cautious and safe and to remember that if you are in the mood to be charitable, then feel free to generously respond to all those persistent unsolicited and questionable phone calls requesting you to “match last year’s donation” – when both you and your caller know full well that you never gave them anything before!
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