The Legendary Five Towns’ Divorce

One amazing thing about Five Towners is that when we hear about a problem, crises or injustice we race to roll up our sleeves and offer our help to find a quick solution and lend a helping hand.  Many of you know about the recent serious issues that have been effecting the greater community, including poor water quality, flooding, the proposed sale of our sewer system, an armed intruder known as “The Schnorrer Bandit,” and add to that a sluggish housing market, weak economy and, of course, the Cedarhurst Meter Maidens, affectionately referred to as the “Parking Piranhas.”  However, before last week, I was wholly unaware of perhaps the most pressing, vital matter currently hitting The Five Towns – that the divorced men and women living here are being forced to travel nearly half way across Long Island – to Great Neck on the North Shore – just to seek some camaraderie, comfort and the chance to meet that “someone special” and all because of the shocking shortage of suitable nightspots here in the Five Towns.  Oh, the humanity!

Now, I did a little research, and a divorced buddy of mine did inform that there are some “secret” places for the un-hitched to do a little low-key partying right here in The Five Towns.  According to my pal, who I will refer to as, “Deep Voice,” there are some nice, stealthy places on the Broadway strip in Hewlett – such as “Fra Diavolo’s,”

“The Mer-Man Café” and “Cucinetta’s – next to “Alfred’s Pizza.”  But, this is neither an endorsement, nor an invitation for divorcees to swarm these venues.  In fact, my source, “Deep Voice,” does not want anyone cramping his style, nor crowding his stool.  And, I respect that, knowing full-well that the fearsome pack of tomcats and tigresses on the prowl today can turn any nice little joint into a packed, loud, overheated sardine can, within 20 minutes!  So, how do we find a local place for the swinging “newly-single,” while still preserving the local haunts frequented by my dear friend, “Deep Voice?”

After much deep thought, concentration and meditation, I think I have come up with an excellent solution to the pressing challenges facing our dear divorced brothers and sisters

here in The Five Towns.  This week, I learned that the landlord of a downtown Woodmere building, which until recently housed “Press,” (a classy “New York City – style” bar restaurant which served paninis and mixed drinks and featured karaoke and live entertainment) is currently seeking a tenant who will continue to run the premises as a bar and/or restaurant.  Wow, this presented me with a truly “eureka-moment” and made the light bulb in my mouth glow just like Uncle Fester from the Adams Family!  What, if I, The Legendary Danny O’Doul, were to lease the former “Press” café and turn into the definitive Five Towns’ hangout for anyone divorced, separated, or suffering from amnesia and can’t recall whether they are married.  And, here is the kicker.  I have the perfect name for this Mecca of marital failure – “The ‘Legendary’ Five Towns’ Divorce!”

This fascinating, inviting, darkly-lit, chic, hip and stealthy spot will not merely be open to divorcees, but ONLY to the now-single and, instead of an “open-door” policy, “The ‘Legendary’ Five Towns’ Divorce!” (which I will hereinafter refer to as “Divorce!”) will

actually  be a “members-only” club – to ensure that those from neighboring areas will not wander in off the street and cut into the action of our dear hometown divorcees.  Without such a strict door policy we could soon find hawks and vultures from Great Neck swooping in to poach the pickings from our local heroes!

The beauty of this sweet plan is two-fold:  Firstly, it solves the pick-up joint crisis, and, secondly, it presents Downtown Woodmere with its first new viable business start-up in years.  I will be appealing to the Hewlett-Woodmere Chamber of Commerce for a generous grant with which to make Downtown Woodmere, “The Divorce Capital of The Five Towns!”  Soon, matrimonial lawyers, private detectives, forensic accountants, Spanish bullfighters, buff personal trainers and gold-diggers will pounce and descend upon Downtown Woodmere like Five Town housewives upon “Gotta Get A Bagel” on Erev Yom Kippur!

Listen, they don’t call me the honorary “Legendary Mayor of Woodmere” for nothing!

This is The Legendary Danny O’Doul signing off and advising all my divorced friends to call me this week to pre-sign for membership in “The ‘Legendary’ Five Towns’ Divorce!” before the maddening rush that is sure to follow!